Full circle

This has been a pretty eventful year, between all the problems in class and just getting ready for the boards. There have been all types of break downs and freak outs going on all around at school, for good reason, but still. And I've maintained the stoicism I've tried to cultivate over the years, It worked till last night. I hit a "wall" at school around 11 and the reality of taking the boards and the fact that Im not ready [No body is "ready", ready is like tomorrow, its something you dream of but never physically touch]. So it took me a few hours after I got home to just settle down and come to terms about this. I have no doubt that this is what I am supposed to be doing. I also have no doubt that everything is going to work out, its just hard because sometimes you live in the moment. You live in the moment where things appear insurmountable, when all the odds are against you. When you lose focus of the bigger picture and you look at yourself in that one moment in time, that is when you start to question yourself and get those uneasy feelings.

So today I just chilled, shaved my beard [lol], got some supplies for the big day and went to the testing center, on the way back from DC i was listening to Tell Me More, on NPR. I've always like the program and for reasons beyond me, Junot Diaz was on. He wrote two of the realest books I've ever read, The Brief Wondrous life of Oscar Wao and Drown. He was talking about his books and just about life and stuff and It just really put everything in perspective. In some odd way, I had a moment of clarity, though nothing he said spoke directly to me, I had a calm come over me. I knew from then on that tomorrow and the rest of my time in Med school is gonna be OK. I know that sometimes I dont do the right thing and that I dont deserve the things that I do have, but God looks out. He really does, And what I have in store for me is mine. No STEP 1 or anything is gonna hold me back... So I say bring it on

Julian